After what some called the most conservative legislative session in state history, people across the country parodied Texas’ latest legislation. Even the number of laws passed last year has become the butt of many jokes: 666, the number of the beast.
Naturally, satirical news site onion also criticized controversial state policies, from Texas lawmakers’ gun worship to their attacks on reproductive rights.
Here are some of our favorite Texas-related stories from onion.
“Texas prohibits consensual sex”
This one doesn’t seem too far out of the realm of possibility.
March 10, onion informed the world that after effectively banning abortions, the Lone Star State has gone one step further. That’s right, y’all: no more consensual sex.
onion reported that Governor Greg Abbott, encouraged by right-wing lobbyists and religious groups, had signed into law a law banning sexy entertainment. Those caught in the act could face more than 10 years behind bars.
“Consensual sex has always been unethical, and now it’s finally illegal too,” the Republican said, according to this outlet. “Enthusiastic, ongoing, specific, freely given, and clearly communicated sexual consent will not be tolerated in Texas.”
Abbott added that matchmakers could also be prosecuted for setting up their friends who later commit the act.
“Covid announces plan to move operations to full-time Texas to escape burdensome regulations”
Texas hates regulations, and so does COVID-19. In this groundbreaking report by onion in March 2021, readers learned that the virus had taken hold in Texas full time.
Coronavirus told this outlet that he was a big fan of Abbott’s decision to remove mask mandates and dining restrictions.
“Moving my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways not possible in blue states,” he said at the time.
The virus then recognized the help it received early on from California and New York. But the virus added that it could not sit idly by as liberal lawmakers added more and more restrictions.
“These regulations really hurt small virus particles,” the molecule said. “The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.”
“Inclusive New Texas Bill Prevents Gun Dealers From Discriminating Based On Background Checks”
In 2019, onion also proved prescient when he wrote about a law that would allow Texans to carry guns without background checks. (Fast forward to 2021, and voila: license-free porting has gone into effect.)
onion quoted Abbott as saying society has become more tolerant. The new law would ensure that sellers cannot back out of a gun purchase based on the buyer’s “history of violence or other red flags”.
The satirical article said Abbott was distraught after learning that people convicted of multiple domestic violence violations had previously been denied such a transaction.
The Texas governor then reportedly swore never to discriminate against overt bullies, people with mental health issues, or those on the FBI’s watch list.
“Some people are naturally filled with murderous rage, it’s as simple as that, and it should be illegal to treat them like second-class citizens,” he said. onion. “Because if we discriminate based on a background check, who’s next? Where will this lead? Tyranny is there.
onion went on to note that the new gun law provides exemptions for sellers who wish to discriminate based on race and religion. Phew.
“Texas bans access to large stairs in case women with unwanted pregnancies get ideas”
Looks like some women will have to take the elevator.
Following efforts by Texas lawmakers to ban abortion, onion reported that they had also passed a bill that would prevent unfortunately pregnant women from accessing high stairs. This decision would prevent these ladies from “making up their minds”.
The article says Abbott hoped to expand the forced pregnancy effort by banning “heavy exercise, heated hot tubs, vitamin C, imported soft cheeses, and, of course, all wires and coat hangers.”
“We also encourage residents to report any women they see queuing for a roller coaster before they can try a fun company,” Abbott said, according to onion.
Women who are minors or survivors of incest will however retain the right to use a gun to “shoot themselves in the stomach”, continues the article.
The latter, published in the middle of the terrible winter storm of February 2021, is in fact only a title: “Ted Cruz celebrates the achievement of his campaign promise after successfully deporting 2 Hispanic children”.